THE MASTER OF FUNK-FU!

The Legends Are True...

Three movies, believed lost, or destroyed by the unfunky...

Never found...

But we have located the Preview Trailers...

THE MASTER OF FUNK-FU!

PART 1

PART 2

PART 3

Hey man, smell my finger

DECEMBER 5th: GET FUNKED UP

December 5, 2009

Come Back Here

To Witness

THE FUNK

Cassie Martin is Vanity Mirrors

Name: Vanity Mirrors
Age: Sexy knows no age
Sex: hot enough to melt your face
Funk rating (out of 10): 6.9

Begining as the Sour Kraut's Eurotrash henchlady, her true heart may have the ability to shine through.

Her body measurements are perfect in every dimension
She's got a figure that sho nuff get attention
She's poetry in motion, a beautiful sight to see
I get so excited viewing her anatomy
She is built, she is stacked, got all the curves a man like
She's a bad mama jama

Christopher A. Lemanski is The Lounge Lizard

Name: The Lounge Lizard
Age: ring-a-ding-ding
Sex: Ava Gardner or Lauren Bacall?
Funk rating (out of 10): funk? you kids don't know what funk is!

The wildest, coolest, and most swinging hepcat this side of the Flamingo Hotel and Casino, the Lounge Lizard uses his powers for evil, not Funk. Rumored to have been preserved since the mid fifties by regular infusion of his super swing powered martinis, he has returned to rebuilde the world in his Rat Packed image.

Who loves you, baby?

Mark Elsinger is Grand Master M.C. Sensei

Name: Grand Master M.C. Sensei
Age: unknowable
Sex: known to cause earthquakes
Funk rating (out of 10): ???

Who is he?

How did he come into such amazing Funk Powers?

How does he control the flow?

How does he show Funk Fu the Awesome Power of a Fully Operational Mothership?

He's tearing the roof off this mother to let you know.

One Nation Under A Groove, fo' sho'!

Dan Nyren is The Sour Kraut

Name: Sour Kraut
Age: 0011001000110101
Sex: mechanically precise
Funk rating (out of 10): 3.14159

Funk Fu's German (and evil) counterpoint, the Sour Kraut hopes to remake the world in mechanical, Electronik perfection. His Kraft is villainy; his tools, as maniacal as they are scientific. This is one Fritz who is not afraid to kill to pave his Autobahn.

Rev. Jon Bristol is Van Damage

Name: Van Damage
Age: about 20 years out of date
Sex: No ladies have been willing participants
Funk rating (out of 10): 2.7

Known for the destruction that follows in his wake as much as the heavy metal music that blares from his airbrushed van, this fiend wants nothing more than to take what everyone else has. Unable to get a date on his own, he sets his sights on Funk-Fu's girl and on the ruination of Funk through his headbanging ways.

Not the most deadly of villains that Funk Fu has faced, but definitely the most clueless.

Kelly Osborne is Polly Peril

Name: Mz. Polly Peril, the Busty Sexxxretary
Age: Never ask a lady her age
Sex: off the charts
Funk rating (out of 10): 9.95

There's more than meets the eye to this lovely lady; but oh, what meets the eye!

Looks like she's born beautiful...she's bad
The essance of beauty
Oooh such lovely hair
She's foxy, classy
Oh, sexy, sassy
She's heavenly, a treat for the eye to see

Josh Tanner is Fro Shambo

Name: Fro Shambo
Age: classic
Sex: no lady can resist that hair
Funk rating (out of 10): 8.5

Funk Fu's Funk Soul Brother, Fro Shambo knew his calling from a very young age.

As a child, he awaited the coming of the one foretold in funky legend, and took his place beside the Funksiah when he arrived on the scene. Forever content to assist the Chosen one of Funk, there are few in this world as Funky, or dedicated to the Funk, as the Fro.

Jim Williams is The Master Of Funk-Fu

Name: the Master of Funk-Fu
Age: Funk don't know no bounds
Sex: You can leave your hat on
Funk rating (out of 10): 12.7

Long have whispers of such a man come from the shadows.
A man who's Funk knows no bounds and who's soul yearns to put wrongs right; as long as he gets the girl in the end.
Who knows where the most Funkadelic cat to walk the mean streets comes from, but we all know where he's going, straight to the Funk Mothership, with his soul brother and his best lady beside him.

....soon....

Coming soon from Elmwood Productions, the amazing, almost true story* of...

The Master of Funk-Fu.

The most amazing, most exciting, most funky story in years!






*not actually true in any meaningful way